I've decided the change this blog a little bit. I'm still going to post Etsy updates (hopefully more than usual) and business updates but I want to do something a bit different, something scary, something I'm looking forward to but also really not looking forward to.
Fine I'll tell you. This year...I want to share with you my journey about finding beauty in a new figure. One that I don't want to share with anyone, one that I don't want to admit and one that I definitely don't want to see in a photo.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and over those years I have managed to gain about 50 pounds. EEEKK I can't believe I wrote that out loud. It makes me feel extremely embarrassed and I want to erase it altogether.
Here is the main reason I believe I have gained this weight:
I developed a mental illness (anxiety disorder if you must call it such) 3 years ago after quitting an incredibly stressful job and moving straight into another stressful job. It all started with a panic attack one night that lasted until 2 or 3 in the morning.
My wonderful husband sat beside me while I trembled and felt short of breath, looked up symptoms online while I cried and tried to do yoga, eventually we fell into bed exhausted and the next morning I started another day at my new place of work. I was a mess.
I couldn't focus on anything else, and completely lost my appetite. I just wanted to sleep and forget this was happening.
I miraculously made an appointment with my doctor the week later, and she soothed me while I cried in her office and told me that we were going to improve my quality of life through cognitive therapy and anti-anxiety medication.
I was at first distraught that I had a mental illness, and would have to be on medication for an indeterminable amount of time but my doctor explained that if I were physically injured I would not hesitate to take any medication she prescribed until the injury had healed and that prescribing medication for mental illness was no different. She told me "You can't change the fact that your eyes are blue." Which means that I can't change how my brain and body work, I can only do what I can to help it.
It has been 3 years and I'm happy to say that my quality of life has improved greatly.
Things are still rough, and when I get overwhelmed I get low on seratonin (the happy secretion of hormones in your brain) which causes panic attacks, and mental fatigue. I feel like a battery in the sense that I run out of energy and need to take time to recharge (which is usually on the couch watching a favorite TV show drinking wine or tea with a fuzzy blanket).
The medication I'm using provides extra seratonin in my brain and helps me get through the day.
Along with that, my doctor told me it is imperative that I maintain a good exercise routine and get lots of sleep (HELLOOOOOO naps!).
So anyway, on to the weight gain.
The medication is also known for causing increased appetite which means I CANNOT LOOK AT THAT COOKIE AND LET IT GO WITHOUT FINDING OUT HOW TASTY IT IS AND THEN EATING THE OTHER 4 ON THE PLATE.
Well...I mean I can, but it's really hard...and if it's tasty I just want another one.
The struggle is REAL folks!
Back to what this blog is about.
I hate my body. I hate how it looks. I hate how I look in clothes, I hate seeing myself in the mirror or in pictures. "But Heidi" you say "You look so beautiful and you are not that big." To which I say..."I suppose, but I feel like I should look the way I used to look and when I see myself I am surprised by what I see and I am having trouble understanding this new figure."
This blog (I will get there eventually...probably) is about...finding ways to love this body. Finding ways to dress this body in a way that is flattering (because I DO love a loose tunic top with leggings and a big cardigan to cover up any idea you might have that I might have curves.
This blog is about finding those curves and embracing them. My sister gifted me this book:
I love that it is all about helping those of us who want to feel good about the body we're in, and specifically (as you can surely read) about dressing your body for it's shape and celebrating cuuuuuuurves.
So here (I think we're finally HERE) we (and by that I mean I) am going to (try to) post outfit photos (like a fashion blog but not really) in order to document my journey in finding my body again. Hopefully we will all learn something along the way, and maybe you can join me if you are in the same boat and we can encourage one another and hoot and holler about how beautiful we are even when we don't feel it.
PS. I'm still making clothing (www.heidiandseekboutique.com) and there is more coming SOON!
Thanks for reading...if anyone is there...*crickets
Well hello crickets, nice of you to join me. Shall we pass the chips?